Among other things. And I use the term “writer” very loosely, though. Like I’ve said before, I don’t really consider myself one, but for the purposes of this entry, let’s pretend I am.
While quite a number of my family and friends know that I write here and there, I don’t proudly broadcast that fact. I don’t think a lot of people in real life know about this blog, or ever will for that matter. The thing is, I have a love/hate relationship with writing. It helps me process my thoughts, let out some steam and unleash what little creativity I have. It also makes me cringe in embarrassment, frustrated to the point of not wanting to finish what I’ve started writing and makes me question why I even bother doing this – which happen WAY TOO OFTEN.
But why? I’ve come up with some reasons, actually, and since this is my blog after all, please bear with me while I psychoanalyze the muse out of me.
– My muse is erratic. Sporadic. Moody. Elusive. Lazy. You get the picture. I could come up with more adjectives, but it might end up hiding from me forever.
– I’m not a good enough writer to make me want to broadcast my work (proudly). I’m not saying this to put myself down or fish for compliments, I am just stating a fact. I’m not good enough because I lack practice. I don’t write as often as I should, so I can’t improve as much as I want. Simple as that.
– I need a more solid reason to want to keep on writing, which I believe is the root cause of all this self-doubt with regards to writing. My conviction to write is not entirely there. I’m not aiming to be published, but I want to improve my ability to express myself through the written word because I’m not as comfortable doing it through speaking – or human interaction in general. I think this has always been one of the biggest reasons why I keep attempting to blog, but it hasn’t been a big enough reason for me to commit to writing and therefore improving. I need to keep searching, or at least find a way to make this reason seem bigger.
Well, it seems like I’ve come to a conclusion of sorts. I don’t know if it’s the right one, but it’s a start in my journey towards becoming a less closeted writer. How about you? What’s your reason for writing?