I am a closet writer

Among other things. And I use the term “writer” very loosely, though. Like I’ve said before, I don’t really consider myself one, but for the purposes of this entry, let’s pretend I am.

While quite a number of my family and friends know that I write here and there, I don’t proudly broadcast that fact. I don’t think a lot of people in real life know about this blog, or ever will for that matter. The thing is, I have a love/hate relationship with writing. It helps me process my thoughts, let out some steam and unleash what little creativity I have. It also makes me cringe in embarrassment, frustrated to the point of not wanting to finish what I’ve started writing and makes me question why I even bother doing this – which happen WAY TOO OFTEN.

But why? I’ve come up with some reasons, actually, and since this is my blog after all, please bear with me while I psychoanalyze the muse out of me.

– My muse is erratic. Sporadic. Moody. Elusive. Lazy. You get the picture. I could come up with more adjectives, but it might end up hiding from me forever.

– I’m not a good enough writer to make me want to broadcast my work (proudly). I’m not saying this to put myself down or fish for compliments, I am just stating a fact. I’m not good enough because I lack practice. I don’t write as often as I should, so I can’t improve as much as I want. Simple as that.

– I need a more solid reason to want to keep on writing, which I believe is the root cause of all this self-doubt with regards to writing. My conviction to write is not entirely there. I’m not aiming to be published, but I want to improve my ability to express myself through the written word because I’m not as comfortable doing it through speaking – or human interaction in general. I think this has always been one of the biggest reasons why I keep attempting to blog, but it hasn’t been a big enough reason for me to commit to writing and therefore improving. I need to keep searching, or at least find a way to make this reason seem bigger.

Well, it seems like I’ve come to a conclusion of sorts. I don’t know if it’s the right one, but it’s a start in my journey towards becoming a less closeted writer. How about you? What’s your reason for writing?

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2 thoughts on “I am a closet writer

  1. I write because the stories I wanted to read didn’t seem to have been written yet! Or something like that. I also like the feeling of satisfaction you get when you finish a long writing project, which is like finishing any kind of project except that I often don’t finish other sorts. Not to the extent that I would like to, anyway.

    Also, writing is something over which I have control, and there’s not much of that in my life so to find a form of creative expression can be controlled (per se), is fulfilling and can potentially bring joy to other people is something to hold onto. At least, I think so. (Checks to make sure she’s not rambling too much.)

    I don’t get here as often as I would like, Gill, but I do like reading your blog. AND I’ve nominated you for some awards! The Very Inspiring Blogger Award and the One Lovely Blog Award are now both yours for the taking. Check here for more info: http://emilystealeaves.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/more-blog-awards/

    Oh, and keep writing. It’s good for the soul, even with an uncooperative muse. 🙂

    • You never cease to amaze me. :3 I hardly think I deserve the nomination at this point in my blogging life (whatever that is), but thank you nonetheless. I am very honored and it is very much appreciated! 🙂

      And yes, I’ve also had someone else tell me that writing is good for the soul, so I will try my best (and perhaps resort to bribing the muse) to keep this blogging thing going. As always, your support means a lot. I’ve missed you! ❤

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