It’s no secret that I’ve always struggled internally with career issues. The kind of job I’m in demands a lot, and I believe I’m able to deliver the minimum requirements. I’m not the type who wants to climb the corporate ladder, at least not in this job. While others clamor for a promotion, I prefer to be in the sidelines, working quietly. But life being life, nothing stays the same for long and I have eventually been given bigger and heavier responsibilities. Sure, it might serve as a validation that maybe I am doing something right, and I am grateful (and slightly flattered) with the trust they put in me, but it does not necessarily mean I am happy about it. Every day I am anxious and unsettled, and every Sunday I cry a little bit inside knowing that it is going to be another crazy week. Yes, work has its rewards, its perks, its little breakthrough moments that help in the journey that is self-discovery, yet I still question whether this is all there is to career life.
For the longest time, I’ve resisted accepting where I am and what I have because I have somehow equated acceptance with resignation – resignation to the fact that I will always feel there is something more, there is something better out there for me. I would like to put it out there that I do not neglect work. At the end of the day, though, I always feel like I can do better but do not have enough motivation to act on it.
A large part of it stems from the fact that I am still unclear as to what I want to do with my life. There are options, of course, like my current job, as well as helping with the family business. For a while I toyed with the idea of working and/or studying abroad, but financial constraints have made them a bit more difficult to carry out (not impossible, just not as feasible as the others). The fact remains that I have to keep on trying and putting myself out there in the hopes of finding what it is I am meant to do. People tell me to stick to where I am because it pays well or it is prestigious or it fits my level of education. Is it worth it, though, knowing that I will never be truly happy in the status quo?
My perception of success and fulfillment are not the same as theirs, which is where all the judgment comes in. Over the years, I have learned to care less about what other people think, and while I still struggle with it sometimes, it is much easier now than a few years ago. I know this is not where I want to be 2 years from now. I have an idea of where I want to be, but I am not 100% sure about it. Then again, the only way you will ever find out if something works for you is if you try it. I have tried this, and I do not think this is the best thing for me to do, so I will move on to the next, still hoping it will finally be the one. What is life without uncertainties, right?