why am i eternally restless?

that constant feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin gnaws at the back of my mind every single moment of every single day.

i do not want to be here. i want to be outside of me. i do not want to participate in life – i want to be on the side and look. observe. feel things for others. bask in the joy of others. but i do not want to feel for myself, because it scares me. it scares the fuck out of me. it causes me anxiety to no end.

i do not want to feel anything. yet i want to feel everyone else’s everything.

i am so tired of feeling restless for no particular reason.

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Note to self

This week I got some good news at work for which I have mixed feelings. I looked back to my performance last year and this was how I felt I did: I was unfocused, almost everything I did was reactive rather than proactive, and I truly believe I could have done better if I’d wanted to.

Yet these people still chose to see past my inabilities and recognized me in ways I never would have thought of about myself. I would have given myself a 5/10 at best based on last year’s performance, but they gave me more. And it was more than I feel I deserve.

Then again, aren’t you your own worst critic? Isn’t your greatest enemy yourself? I could have done extremely better if I’d wanted to, but I didn’t. This is what frustrates me the most. I do know, though, that I gave the minimum requirements. No matter how much I questioned everything I did, I still tried to deliver what was expected of me. Exceeding expectations was not my main goal. I just wanted to get by with a decent job.

The feedback blew me away. I think my boss was a bit puzzled as to why I was so incredulous when she revealed their rating, but given how I’ve evaluated my performance so far, she would’ve understood.

I do not mean this in a gloating or, on the other hand, a self-deprecating kind of way. More than anything, this is a reminder for me to shape-up and be more focused because what I do (and what everyone else does for that matter) is of value to something or someone. The opportunity to contribute, to help in something or someone’s improvement is always there, and if you’re going to, might as well contribute the hell out of it.

*feels pressured already*