why am i eternally restless?

that constant feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin gnaws at the back of my mind every single moment of every single day.

i do not want to be here. i want to be outside of me. i do not want to participate in life – i want to be on the side and look. observe. feel things for others. bask in the joy of others. but i do not want to feel for myself, because it scares me. it scares the fuck out of me. it causes me anxiety to no end.

i do not want to feel anything. yet i want to feel everyone else’s everything.

i am so tired of feeling restless for no particular reason.

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