The whys of it all

A lot of times I wonder why I do this. Why I practice. It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, it takes you to the edge of your patience. Yet I continue to do it. I continue to practice the primary series. I continue to do back bends no matter how deathly afraid I am of them. I continue to jump back and jump through in my chunky, struggling way. I continue to negotiate with my hamstrings and my lower back to cooperate in the poses. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I asked my husband one night. Why do we do anything? He asked in return.

Why indeed?

This is always on my mind every time I step on my mat. And every time, I also ask myself, if I didn’t spend these 90 minutes practicing, what would I be doing instead? Puttering about on social media is the honest answer to that. Not exactly the best way to spend those 90 minutes, so might as well work on myself. The practice is incredibly humbling. It exposes your physical weaknesses first, and then the mental struggles. When I’m faced with a challenging pose (all of them, really), I’m always faced with the choice to stand up and walk away from my mat. Why bother? Why go through it? I could be lying down instead of working on catching my wrist in Marichasana D. But I choose not to. I choose to continue to breathe, and then I get through it in whatever capacity I can on that day, never mind if I catch my wrist or not. And I guess it reflects life off the mat a lot. When faced with a challenge at work, I panic and bitch about it for a few seconds, but eventually I catch my breath and start working on it. No way around but through it, is what they say. And it’s been the same, on and off the mat.

Practicing also restored a sense of wonder in me. Don’t get me wrong, majority of the time, it’s a struggle, but when I do have breakthroughs, when my teacher gives me the confidence to prove my fears wrong, there’s no other feeling like it. What’s even better is it’s from within me, not an external factor or thing, but because of something I did for myself, something I conquered in me. And while non-attachment is essential, I believe it’s those little bursts of joy and wonder that keep me going in an otherwise crazy world (my mind included).

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2 thoughts on “The whys of it all

  1. Gill, this is beautiful. And so very relatable. I’d always be doing something else instead, but when I do my mind will always gravitate back to the four corners of my mat. A lovely dilemma, which you’ve described perfectly. Thank you.

    • Thank you, dear! Happy to know it resonated with you. The struggle is real gyud hehe but we do what we can, yeah? Hope to practice with you someday! 🙂

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